WORLD ENVY

WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE US? MORE IMPORTANTLY,
WHY ARE WE BEING JUDGED BY GERMANY AND FRANCE?
ONE STARTED TWO WORLD WARS, AND THE OTHER RAN
AWAY FROM BOTH! I’VE GOT TWO WORDS FOR GERMANY:
BERLIN AIRLIFT. I’VE GOT FOUR WORDS FOR FRANCE:
GO F**K A DUCK! -- FRENCHIES SHOULD FALL ON THEIR
KNEES FOR A BIG MAC. (HEY, THEY DO FOR EVERYONE
ELSE -- GUTLESS PUKES THAT THEY ARE)

I SAY WE STICK A PIGGLY-WIGGLY IN THE LOUVRE
AND A JACK-IN-THE-BOX ATOP THE EIFFEL TOWER.
WHO ELSE DOESN’T LIKE US? HUGO CHAVEZ DOESN’T
LIKE US. -- GEE, THE WRATH OF VENEZUELA!
DO THEY HATE US MORE THAN CANADA? PROBABLY
NOT. CANADIANS THINK THEY S**T FABERGE EGGS.
DO THE SANDWICH ISLANDS STILL LIKE US?
WHY WOULDN’T THEY?

AND WHAT ABOUT CUBA? WHEN CASTRO RETIRES
WILL THE DIXIE CHICKS INHERIT CUBA?

CUBA MINUS CASTRO, EQUALS CASINOS AND KMARTS.


REGARDS, J.Q.B.

ALIEN MAKEOVER

WHEN ARE ALIENS GOING TO COME AND TAKE OVER OUR
PLANET? OUR CIVILIZATION NEEDS A CELESTIAL MAKEOVER.
FORGET ABOUT MARTIANS, -- PLUTONIANS COULD TAKE US --
AND THEY’RE NOT EVEN A PLANET ANYMORE!
ARE WE EVEN WORTH INVADING?

ALL ALIENS DO IS SNEAK DOWN, DRAW PICTURES IN OUR
CORNFIELDS, AND THEN LEAVE. PLANET EARTH IS NOTHING
BUT A WALL FOR ALIEN GRAFFITTI ARTISTS! WHEN
ALIENS PASS OUR SOLAR SYSTEM, THEY JUST STOP,
TAG, AND GET BACK IN THE CAR.

SOMETIMES THEY JUST HOVER AND STARE DOWN ON US
LIKE WE'RE CIRCUS FREAKS ON PARADE! MAYBE WE
HAVEN’T BEEN INVADED BECAUSE OUR PLANET HAS HIGH
ENTERTAINMENT VALUE. -- WE COULD ALL BE JUST A TIME
SLOT IN AN ALIEN TV GUIDE....A BAD REALITY SHOW THAT
NO SUPERIOR RACE WOULD ADMIT TO WATCHING.

COULD BE WE'RE JUST THE GONG SHOW OF THE COSMOS.

REGARDS, J.Q.B.